John Kander Funny Honey ^минус

[BANDLEADER]
For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband, Amos

[ROXIE]
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll string along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

Sometimes I'm down
Sometimes I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
But look at that soul
I tell you, that whole
Is a whole lot greater
Than the sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
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What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why, he'd be right there
Taking the blame
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny
Honey, hubby of mine

[AMOS, spoken]
I mean, supposin'— just supposin' he had violated her or somethin'— you know what I mean, violated—

[POLICEMAN, spoken]
I know what you mean

[AMOS, spoken]
—or somethin'? Think how terrible that would've been! Good thing I got home from work on time, I'm telling you that! I say, I'm telling you that!

[ROXIE]
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

[AMOS, spoken (POLICEMAN, spoken)]
(Name of deceased: Fred Casely.)
Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar?
My wife knows him—he sold us our furniture
He gave us ten percent off
[ROXIE]
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts!

[AMOS, spoken (POLICEMAN, spoken)]
You told me he was a burglar!
(You mean he was dead when you got home?) She had him covered in a sheet
And she's tellin' me some cock and bull story about this burglar
And how I ought to say I did it cause I was sure to get off
"Help me, Amos," she says, "it's my goddamn hour of need."

[ROXIE]
Now he shot off his trap
I can't stand that sap!

[ROXIE (AMOS, spoken)]
Look at him go (And I believed her.)
Rattin' on me (That cheap little tramp!)
With just one more brain (So she was two-timin' me, huh?)
What a half-wit he'd be (Well, I'm through protecting her now. She can swing for all I care!)

[ROXIE (AMOS, spoken)]
If they string me up (Boy, I'm down at the garage workin' my butt off 14 hours a day)
Well, I'll know who brought the twine! (And she's out there munchin' on bon-bons)
(And trampin' around like some goddamn floozy!)
(Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?)
That scummy, crummy (I wasn't born yesterday! I tell ya, there are some things)
Dummy hubby of mine! (A man just can't take. And this time she pushed me too far!)
(That little chiseler!)
(Boy, what a sap I was!)